There is nothing I love more than getting together with a friend or two for a crafternoon of sewing, making and creating. When I got married, I spent a weekend with one of my bridesmaids, who (major friend flex) just happens to be a set sculptor for Hollywood films. We made 12 gorgeous little hobbit houses for the tables, a postbox for the cards, and I designed all the invitations, stationery and signage. For anyone with a penchant for making, the idea of a DIY wedding can be a dream. – a great way to add your own unique identity to your day – but that’s not the sort of DIY I want to focus on in this article. Instead, I’m going to look at those moments of wedding planning when perhaps you shouldn’t be doing it all yourself. When actually it might be better to ask for help or even to employ a professional!

When it comes to planning a Do-It-Yourself-style wedding (or any wedding actually), there is one enormous rule that can be easily overlooked. The very second that ring is slipped upon that finger, the word “YOURSELF” should immediately become “YOURSELVES”. Do-It-Yourselves. Not all on your own.
It is all too frequent that one person ends up shouldering the vast majority (if not all) of the emotional, physical, creative and time-gobbling labour of planning a wedding. This might work in some cases. Many projects thrive with a single project manager at the helm, so I’m not saying it is always a bad thing. But if you are the person in your relationship who tends to be the captain of your relation-ship, and you’re planning a wedding, do not assume you have to do it all by yourself.

I’m saying this from two perspectives.

One, you are having to carry a giant boulder of family politics, social expectation, and party-planning pressure, while your partner is unknowingly floating along beside you like a passenger princess. This is not fair. Make them share the load. Sit together and share out some responsibilities. For example, if the seating plan is riddled with tricky family flare-ups that you’re frightened you’ll be blamed for, do it together, so you do not have to weather the grumbling relatives alone.

I’m not just talking about you and your betrothed here either. If there are things you are finding difficult or overwhelming during your wedding-planning process then ask for help. A trusted relative, your best friend, you would do it for them and they will be happy to do it for you. But most importantly, when it comes to your wedding planning, don’t just allow your partner to rock up on the day without having lifted a finger. Don’t do it all yourself. You might resent them for it.

Two, if you do bulldoze on alone and do it all yourself, your partner may end up resenting you for it! Again, all too often, a wedding can become far more about one person than the other. Opposites often attract, and this can sometimes mean there is a person in a relationship who tends to be the driving force, and one who is more comfortable with coming along for the ride. If you are the engine in your relationship, and you’re planning a wedding, be mindful of railroading your partner into silence. If you have always had a strong vision of your wedding day, remember that although your partner isn’t as outspoken about it, they might have a dream too.

Over the years I have listened as friends have got married, and sometimes the more passive partner pipes up and says something about the flowers, for example, only to immediately get shut down for not getting it quite right. Check if you are guilty of that. It’s not kind. It’s not generous. It’s diminishing their confidence to participate at all. Sure, it might be infuriating that they are seemingly incapable of remembering the difference between dahlias and daffodils but if you have assumed control of the wedding, of course they won’t know the ins and outs as intimately as you. Don’t Do It Yourself, Do It Yourselves. Involve your partner in the planning. It’s YOUR day, yours AND theirs.

Another time I think it is so important not to do it yourself is on the day. Many official wedding venues come with a coordinator. Someone who has been paid to know the timetable of your day, the names and shoe-sizes of your wedding party, and the fact that Auntie Jen should under no circumstances be over-served at the bar. If you are planning a wedding that isn’t at an official wedding venue, you’re changing locations, or it has multiple moving parts, and your venue doesn’t provide a coordinator, I strongly recommend you both have a good hard think about hiring one.

It is imperative that you enjoy your day. If you are the one person responsible for keeping everything ticking over and clock-watching during your wedding, it could add an extra layer you really do not want to have to think about. Imagine the stress of going through the motions on the day as they are! Without then becoming the person that every single supplier and guest aims their questions at! No, no, no. Being the planner, the coordinator, the host, and the guest of honour in one day is a lot of work. Work that, maybe, you don’t want to be doing yourself.

In addition to this, if you’re a professional baker, it does not mean you have to bake an entire croque-en-bouche (one of those giant towers of choux pastry puffs) on the morning of your wedding. If you’re a keen seamstress, it does not mean you singlehandedly have to resize and modernise your mother’s wedding dress to fit you. If you like painting, you do not have to paint every name card by hand. Of course, you can do all of these things if they bring you joy, but you do not have to do it all yourself. I myself was a wedding singer for years but if you think I was about to get up on stage and perform two hour-long sets at my own wedding, I’m afraid you’ve lost the plot!

Generally, whether you’re organising a DIY wedding or not, if you have undertaken any part of the planning that you thought would bring you joy, but in reality is making you feel stressed, sad and anxious, my advice is: You can change your mind and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Whether you divvy it up between the two of you, ask friends and family for help, or you decide that, actually, it is a better idea to hire a professional after all, there are definitely times when a wedding ship will sail far more smoothly if you DON’T Do It Yourself.

This article originally appeared in Issue 59 of Rock n Roll Bride magazine. You can purchase the latest copy here, or why not subscribe to never miss an issue?