This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity you have here. I mean, seriously, when will you ever get to do this again?! To get up in front of all your friends and family, and talk about anything you like – uninterrupted – for 5 minutes straight. Oh, the possibilities!

And here’s the crazy thing…not only will they listen; they’ll be the world’s best audience.

They’ll laugh, cry and “awwww” in all the right places. Your jokes will be funnier, your stories better, your memories more poignant. And, regardless of how good it actually was, everyone will come up to you afterwards and tell you how good it was.

You can’t go wrong, right?

Well, actually you can (in fact wedding speeches can be quite disastrous). But don’t worry, yours won’t be. I can’t promise you a standing ovation, but at the very least you won’t get booed off.

Start Now

You wouldn’t believe how many people start writing their speech the night before. This isn’t Year 9 Geography homework. Get your shit together TODAY. Start working on it now and give yourself time to make it good. Make notes on your phone, and write things down whenever somethin’ dope hits you. Not only will it make for a much better speech, it’ll go a long way to calming your nerves.

Practise Out Loud

Once you’ve got a rough speech mapped out, see how it sounds out loud. You’ll find it takes a whole different shape once you’ve given it a voice.

And get good at it! Give it energy, even when you’re by yourself. Practise doing it well. You don’t have to memorise it. But have an idea of how you’re going to tell certain stories, deliver certain lines. That way, on the day, you’ll deliver them with a lot more confidence and charisma.

Don’t Waste Words

TikTok is rampant; attention spans are vanishing. You have a lot to say, and there’s nothing worse than a mic’d-up ramble.

So, be ruthlessly concise with your words. Write down what you want to say, and then cut it back like an overgrown garden. Remove every word that doesn’t serve a purpose, and you’ll have a much cleaner, more entertaining speech. As a rough guide, no shorter than three minutes, and definitely no longer than eight.

Be Funny to Everyone

In-jokes never go down well. They will make a handful of people laugh, and make everyone else feel isolated. So, stay clear of inside jokes, and ‘I guess you had to be there’ stories.

You are speaking to every person in the room – your friends, your parents, Nana, everyone – all at once. So, use language, references and humour that will play equally well to each individual. Be witty, funny, likeably cheeky. But don’t be dark, rude, or crude. Don’t make smutty remarks about the bridesmaids, or not-so-clever innuendos about the wedding night. Make your family proud, your in-laws comforted, and your friends quietly relieved you didn’t fuck it up.

Ease the Tension

People will be nervous for you. They love you; they want you to do well. They want your speech to be good. So put them out of their misery! In the first line or two, crack a decent joke and let them know you’ve got this. There’ll be a huge laugh, and a palpable sigh of relief. They’ll relax, you’ll relax, and the whole thing will feel a million times easier.

It’s a Toast, Not a Roast

There was one wedding I read about where the groom raised a Sambuca toast to the guys on the stag. Legend. Absolute lad. Lads lads lads.

Don’t do that.

People will have an opinion of you after your speech. They’ll listen to all the things you chose to say (and not say); about your parents, your friends, your partner. And they will judge you accordingly. And here’s the thing you need to realise…half the crowd will be your partner’s friends and family. All sitting there, quietly hoping – praying – that your partner’s made the right choice in marrying you. That you’ll love them as much as they do. That you’ll always take care of them. This is your chance to show them you are that person. Use it wisely.

Give Your Parents Their Flowers

We don’t say it enough, do we? How grateful we are to them. All the things we’ve learned from them; the million little ways they’ve shaped who we are. Well now’s your chance.

Thank your partner’s parents too. Thank them for raising the person you love; for making them who they are. Talk about all the ways you see them shining through in the way your partner lives their life.

And then promise to take care of their child.

Put the Sad Stuff in the Middle

It’s always tough talking about the ones you’ve loved and lost, especially in front of a room full of people. But on your wedding day of all days, you’ll feel it. You’ll miss them. And they should be remembered.

But the timing of this is crucial. Do it too early, and it’ll kill the vibe; too late, and your speech will end as a eulogy. The solution? Have this part somewhere in the middle. That way you can give them the love they deserve, and then finish on a high.

Pour Your Heart Out

In all the best speeches I’ve heard, they talked about their love story. This is the most important part of your speech; some would say it’s the whole point. You’ll have just married the love of your life. This is no time for mumbled half-affections. Be openly vulnerable, be loved-up, be shamelessly romantic. And above all, be genuine.

Tell your side of your love story; talk about how you met, the moment you fell in love with them. And tell people why you love them! Their kindness, their humour, their weird little quirks, their wonderfully loveable flaws.

Make everybody see them the way you see them. And make sure everybody knows – your partner included – just how completely smitten you are.

This article originally appeared in issue 58 of Rock n Roll Bride magazine. You can purchase the latest copy here, or why not subscribe to never miss an issue?