As a Rock n Roll Bride reader, you’re probably already thinking outside those four church walls… literally and laterally! But what actually happens when you’re brave enough to do it? How do you actually go about making your dream “out there” wedding a reality?

When my husband and I got married in September 2021, humanist ceremonies in England and Wales were not recognised as legally-binding marriage ceremonies. This is still true, though I know there are many excellent people who are constantly campaigning for change in this department, and I support them wholeheartedly.

Until last April, again in England and Wales, the law stated that you had to be “standing under a permanent covered structure” in order to get legally married. Nowadays— THANK GOODNESS! — you are finally allowed to get married outdoors… at a licensed wedding venue of course!

Imagine how profoundly ridiculous it is that this law was only changed LAST YEAR! And imagine how entirely dumb it is that the law about humanist ceremonies hasn’t changed yet. Already, if you’re in England or Wales and you’re planning an outdoor humanist wedding… you’re pretty “out there”.

Talk about a lack of equality and diversity! Sort yourselves out, The Government!

We got legally hitched, with our closest family present, at the town hall the day before we had our outdoor humanist bonanza… complete with a surprise five-piece New Orleans Jazz Band, Lord of The Rings references up the wazoo, confetti canons, a lot of laughter, and one hundred people singing Can’t Take My Eyes Off You at their top of their lungs.

There were a couple of people whose reactions to our “out there” approach I was worried about. I come from a military family and, by and large, you can’t really get a more strait-laced, traditional demographic than a bunch of retired, male, British army officers in their late-sixties. My dad, however, was absolutely enamored with every aspect of our wedding day that went against the grain.

His views were totally aligned with mine on the concept of being given away, and he made a big point about that in his speech. “Rachel is not some property being passed from father to husband,” he said. By walking down the aisle with me, he had simply been showing his support for a choice I had made about my own life.

In place of his usual regimental tie, he wore his blue-and-gold peacock feather tie with pride. He adored my 10-strong bridal party, filled with men and women all wearing what exactly made them feel most comfortable… and he split his sides throughout the stand-up routine that was the best man to the bride’s speech.

After our raucous humanist ceremony, my godfather (who was raised Catholic) said he never wanted to go to a stuffy old church wedding again! Absolutely everybody present said they had loved going to something that was just a little bit different.

It’s pretty likely that your own “out there” wedding worries aren’t about a group of ex-army officers. Maybe there are people in your life who will tut and tsk because you aren’t getting married in a mosque. Maybe the matriarch of your family is forcing onto you what she had forced onto her when she got married, because deep down she wishes she’d had the freedom you have now, and you’re worried about going against her wishes. Maybe you were raised Catholic and you’re worried about what all those family members and family friends will think about your choice not to get married in a church.

Just remember that people can surprise you. Watching our wedding ceremony video back, when it gets to the bit where we are all singing Can’t Take My Eyes Off You, my Catholic, ex-army-officer godfather’s voice might just be the loudest.

Not everyone will be so ready and willing to adapt. If you’re thinking outside the perfect pretty white wedding box, with its prim little ribbon and perfectly-neat bow, odds are you’re going to come up against some pushback somewhere.

Maybe your mum will love your bright pink sequin jumpsuit, but draw the line at the five-tier Mario Kart-themed wedding cake, because she always dreamed of baking you a cake herself and her decorating skills just aren’t that good. Or maybe a family member throws a giant tantrum and stops speaking to you completely, when you break the news that you’re going to be doing your wedding your way… because they are simply not capable of doing the work within themselves to realise it’s not about them.

The most important thing to remember when you are planning your “out there”, outside-the-box, rock n’roll wedding… is that you are doing this for you. This day is for YOU. The two of YOU. Nobody else.

You might be lucky and have a network of people who jump right on board your gorgeous little weirdo train, thrilled to come to your wedding dressed as characters from The Nightmare Before Christmas. But people can get tricky about tradition and (for some reason I will literally never understand) people love to make weddings that aren’t theirs all about them.

Be patient. It’s understandable that, for some family members, for some communities, doing things differently can be a bit of a shock. But if you let them take a minute, I’d say more often than not they’ll come round eventually. They’ll probably end up loving every moment of it if they swallow their pride and allow themselves to.

And if they don’t… honestly… it’s difficult… it’s tough… but you and your partner do not want to begin your life together trying to fit inside the box these people are trying to keep you in. I don’t think the two of you have ever really fit inside their box, if you’re planning a rock n’ roll wedding. So, stay where you’re happiest…. where you get to be most authentically you… outside the damn box.

(Oh, and wedding laws in England and Wales… start thinking outside your box too… ta very much.)

About Rachel Darwin

Rachel is a writer and contemporary singing teacher. Her children’s book, The Doll’s House Mouse, won the Bath Children’s Novel Award 2021. You can find her online at racheldarwin.com and on Instagram @rachelbdarwin.

This article originally appeared in issue 56 of Rock n Roll Bride magazine. You can purchase the latest copy here, or why not subscribe to never miss an issue?