When you’re planning your wedding, it’s a wonderful opportunity to bring your friends and family together to celebrate all the different layers that make the two of you… you! All those hobbies, interests and passions you share can be whisked up to make a sweet, unique, you-flavoured cake, with all the sprinkles and decorations you might fancy. Unfortunately, however, a wedding day is often viewed by others as an opportunity to throw their own ingredients into the mix. When this happens… how can you express yourself and stand up for what you want… so that you can get the sweet result you dreamed of?

There is a strange and inexplicable phenomenon that can happen while planning a wedding. It’s the sort of thing that only really happens when there is a wedding on the horizon, or— to really drag out the baking metaphor— a bun in the oven. The arrival of a baby can sometimes turn an already-difficult-to-handle relative into someone you’d happily never see again when they start to use words like “we” and “our” when referring to your unborn child. The same sort of thing can happen when a wedding is coming… it is the incorrect and uncomfortable notion that this day—your wedding day!—is also about them.

Now, don’t get me wrong! I fully understand that your wedding might be a huge deal to them. They might be SO proud to be the mother of the bride, really looking forward to seeing their child get married. Your sister might have dreamed of being your maid of honour forever, still married to the way she imagined it when you were children. Your grandparent may have pictured this day for decades, expecting you’ll have a religious ceremony like they did… but that does not mean that their vision of your day is as important as YOUR plan for YOUR day.

There are myriad reasons we might find it difficult to stand up for ourselves when planning a wedding.

Money

First and foremost (and it’s a doozie!) is money. Let’s say your parents, or your soon-to-be-in-laws, have gifted you your wedding budget. It is completely understandable that you feel a need to appease and please them. I mean — come on! Without them, you wouldn’t be able to do this at all. But it is very important to remember that that money was a GIFT. And any gift that comes with a price tag is not a gift at all.

It is not fair of the person footing the bill to hold it over you, so that they can invite fifty of their own friends, or they can make snide comments about what you’re thinking of wearing. It is not fair of them to railroad or bulldoze, dictating the menu or the venue, just because they are picking up the cheque. That is neither kindness or generosity. It is controlling and selfish.

The ‘Expert’

You might find yourself up against a relative who works in catering, or events, or photography, who makes you feel small when you go with something they advised against. Maybe they thought a DJ was best, but you had your heart set on a band. Maybe a friend recently got married and she is constantly harping on about how she did it and making you feel like you’re doing it wrong (gross— not a friend at all!). Or maybe someone in the family has strong, traditional beliefs about the way things ought to be, which do not align with your own religious/political/social views at all.

Whatever reason you might have to express yourself against the unsolicited advice and opinions… it is valid. So… how earth do we say these things? How do we actually stand up for what we want, when we are so worried about hurting others’ feelings, or coming off as a so-called “Bridezilla”?

“No” is a Complete Sentence

I always love the adage, “no is a complete sentence”, when it comes to wedding-planning. And yes, I know, it is extremely challenging to commit to this method of communication. Social-conditioning in general has long disallowed any form of holding-one’s-own, and people-pleasing is endemic. It is perceived by so many as impolite to say the word “no” when advice is given or suggestions are made… but it is a completely valid response.

Yes, of course, it is important to care about other peoples’ feelings and not be downright rude to the people you love if they are simply trying to help. But if someone is forcing upon you something they want for your wedding that you don’t want… you are 1000% allowed to just say “no”. No thanks. That isn’t in our plan. That’s not going to work for us. We won’t be doing that.

Keep your cool, say “no”, and set your boundary. Explain that this wedding is yours, not theirs, and you would like to respectfully remind them of that. If they have contributed financially, then tell them you’re grateful, but you don’t want to accept the money if it comes at the cost of giving up what you wanted for your wedding. Describe how their actions or words are making you feel. Do it as calmly and clearly as you can. Write them a letter if that’s easier. Or write down bullet points to check on while you’re having your chat.

If they don’t accept it… if they push back at you and make themselves the victim… that’s on them. Their reaction has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is not your responsibility to compensate for emotional work that others are not prepared to do on themselves. If you set your boundary and refuse to let them have an effect on you when they try to manipulate the narrative that you’re doing something wrong by standing up for what you want… then they will hopefully realise they’re not going to get their way and concede… and, if they don’t, they are not worth so much as a crumb anyway.

Your wedding is a many-tiered showstopper and you are the Star Baker. No matter who they are and how big a slice of the cake they believe they are entitled to… don’t let anyone come in and screw up your recipe for your dream wedding day. “No”. No thanks. That isn’t in our plan. We won’t be doing that.
You have your cake… and tell them, respectfully, that they can EAT IT.

This article originally appeared in issue 58 of Rock n Roll Bride magazine. You can purchase the latest copy here, or why not subscribe to never miss an issue?