If you’re trying to decide between having a big wedding or an intimate adventure, you’re in the right place.

You look across the backseat of the limo and give each other a smile. At last, it’s your turn.

The car doors open to an ocean of noise and you step out onto a lush red carpet to a flurry of camera flashes and cheers. There, in front of you, stands a big, beautiful door. The doorman pulls it open and everyone you love is already inside. They wave at you and raise their glasses. Laughing, calling you in.

You smile at each other again and squeeze hands. This isn’t so bad.

And then out of the corner of your eye you spy another door. A ruby red question mark glittering in the darkness. Behind it, endless possibilities. You elbow-nudge your fiancé and nod towards it.  A new smile this time. A mischievous smile.

Your friends and family call your name, urging you inside. The cameras still flash, the doorman still beckons. And yet…

There’s something magnetic about that mystery door. You feel your feet step off the carpet…

The first time I married my wife, I took the first door.

We got married by the beach in Whitstable, with all our favourite people. We had confetti and Pimms, a three-course sit-down, a photo booth, a DJ and a sparkler send-off. It was completely textbook, ridiculously expensive and absolutely perfect.

A few years later, we renewed our vows in Vegas. Married by Elvis in the backseat of a Cadillac.

We walked hand-in-hand down the Vegas strip, got gloriously drunk on cocktail slushies, and had wedding night sex on the 34th floor. It was completely ridiculous, surprisingly cheap and absolutely perfect.

Was one better than the other? I honestly couldn’t say. But they definitely had their pros and cons. If you’re trying to decide between a big wedding and an elopement, you’re in the right place. Let me take you for a little tour behind both doors…

Marriage or Mortgage?

When we eloped to Vegas, it was part of a two-week road trip around America. We went to LA, Vegas, Yosemite, San Francisco, and The Grand Canyon. We had a convertible Mustang, ate American-amounts of food, and got trashed at the Cirque du Soleil. It was an unforgettable, no-expense-spared, once-in-a-lifetime trip. And it cost…*drumroll*…

Half as much as our wedding.

And here’s the craziest thing…our wedding wasn’t even that bougie! My mum did the flowers, my auntie did the cake. My parents helped massively. And after six years, we’re STILL paying it off.

There’s no two ways about it, ‘proper’ weddings are a fucking rinse.

But it’s not just about saving money; think about what else you could spend it on. Go on a bucket list holiday, have a Michelin star meal, put down a deposit for a house (fuck it, do all three).

Before you skip happily through the ‘Big Wedding’ door, think objectively about the cost. And if in doubt, repeat after me: It’s not normal to spend this much money on a party.

Family Matters

I’ll always remember having a beer on the morning of my wedding, sitting in the sunshine with my dad and my best mate. Giving my nan and grandad a hug when they arrived; the smell of leather from my grandad’s coat. My mum smiling up at me as I did my speech.

You’ll rarely feel as loved as you do on your wedding day, from all the people in your life. And it’s not just a chance for you to feel loved but for you to show them how loved they are. If they matter- truly matter- they belong there with you.

These people who pick you up when you fall, they should be there to see you fly. If I was forced to choose between the two extremes, for me this would be the tie-breaker.

They’re Called ‘Intimate Weddings’ for a Reason

Here comes the flip-side!

I barely remember seeing my wife on our wedding day. I’ll never forget seeing her walk towards me down the aisle. I vaguely remember chatting over dinner, but apart from that, my prevailing memories involve my family.

Our elopement, on the other hand, was all about us. We woke up and got ready in our room, together. Travelled to the venue together. Adventured into the desert together. It was a day entirely for us, spent entirely in each other’s company.

That’s the thing about ditching tradition and losing the guest list. You’ll be free to do whatever you want. Go wherever you want. You’ll feel connected, deliriously loved-up and completely focused on each other. When you look back, that’s what you’ll remember.

I’d say the trick is to find a happy compromise. Invite people to join you but only invite the people who matter. Don’t ask anyone to come for the sake of it or because it’s expected (I’m looking at you, plus-ones). Every second you spend with your guests is time you can’t spend with each other. So, whoever you invite, make sure they’re worthy of it.

Less People = Less People-Pleasing

My wife and I fell in love with a gorgeous little venue in Whitstable. It had a rope swing, a beautiful reception space and lush green gardens overlooking the sea. It was perfect. Except it wasn’t quite big enough for our guest list. So, we left our dream venue behind and found a larger one up the road.

As soon as you decide to invite other people, you sacrifice your freedom. And the more people you invite, the less freedom you have. You cannot get married on a mountain if you want Nana to come. You have to have a vegetarian option, even if you both want steak. The music, the decor, the venue, the food… You want your guests to be happy and consciously or not you’ll make decisions accordingly.

Under Pressure

There’s a weird amount of pressure that comes with a wedding day. Pressure to be happy, to laugh, to say “thank you so much for coming”, and “have you really? 50 years?” You’re the centre of attention all the time. Honestly, it’s fucking exhausting and if you’re an introvert, it’s a special kind of hell.

Then there’s the pressure to drink, dance and party. People will buy you shots, even if you’re not a drinker. You’re the life and soul of the dance floor, even if you hate dancing (I fully despised every second of my first dance).

When you have an intimate wedding, all that pressure melts away. You go at your own pace, and get normal amounts of attention from people you’re comfortable with. There are no expectations, other than the ones you set for yourselves.

It’s a spectrum, a sliding scale between ‘party’ and ‘peace’. When you’re choosing what kind of day to have, find a vibe you’ll actually enjoy.

Ultimately, You Probably Know What You Want

Once upon a time, a mate of mine got married in the south of France. It was glorious. Three flawlessly hot days of drunken revelry; pool parties, red wine and stinky cheese, and as the crescendo, an idyllic ceremony, a delicious meal, and a hangover that shook our ancestors. We still talk about it as one of the best weekends ever.

His sister? A face like a bitchy raincloud. Because *exhausted sigh* she’d been invited to the chateau in Bordeaux, but missed out on the registry office in Gravesend.

I guess the moral of the story is, some people are going be pissed off whatever you do. Disgruntled half-friends who didn’t make the cut, parents who had to find childcare, single friends getting cock-blocked by kids. The People Pleasing Game is one you can never win. So don’t play.

Ignore all the expectations, labels, traditions and trends. Forget what’s been done and what social media tells you to do. Plan a day that’ll make you happy and everything that matters will fall into place.

ABOUT JON CARPENTER

Jon has been writing about weddings for over six years and been married to a wedding photographer for seven. He proposed in Kefalonia, got married in Whitstable, eloped in Vegas and now lives in…well, Drayton. But at least the first three sounded cool. Either way, wedding-wise, he’s pretty wedding wise.

This article originally appeared in issue 55 of Rock n Roll Bride magazine. You can purchase the latest copy here, or why not subscribe to never miss an issue?