It’s often assumed that the bigger the wedding, the more stressful it might be to plan, but we’re not so sure that’s true. While planning any sort of wedding, you’re likely to come up against many hurdles along the way and eloping is no different! Whether you’re still weighing up your options, or you’re firmly on the elopement path, my goal is to offer understanding, support and perhaps a bit of inspiration on how to get yourself through the unique course of obstacles an elopement can bring.

So, you’re thinking of eloping? HOLY SMOKES, do I think you’re amazing?! To stick out your palm, like a Spice Girl in a music video, to every pressure and expectation when it comes to your wedding and say, “Stop right now, thank you very much”?! I’m just going think of you as Almighty Spice from here on in! But how are you going to stick with your decision now you have to tell your family and friends that they aren’t invited?

You might have decided to elope because of money, which we all know can be a HUGE factor when it comes to eloping. I hear you, Frugal Spice. I may well have been Big-Fat-Fairytale-Wedding Spice when I got married but I 1000% respect your opinion, and can ab-so-lute-ly see why it would put you off the whole thing altogether.

If that is the case, and you decide to share it with your family and friends as the reason you have decided to do this, you might come up against a hurdle I’m going to call…

The Helpful Relative

This person might offer the money to you as a gift so that you can have the big wedding they have always dreamt of for you. Now, this might be a welcome intervention that sparks joy in both you and your partner’s hearts, and solves all your wedding-budget woes. If that’s the case, hooray! Enjoy your big wedding, and be grateful to your lovely generous relative(s).

It might, however, feel like the exact opposite of that. That’s when you need to become Stick-To-Your-Guns Spice. “Stop right now,” you say (but you might want to add “thank you very much”, because what they’ve offered is pretty generous). If you and your partner don’t actually want the big wedding, if eloping is something that excites you both, then you don’t have to accept the gift.

Here is what someone told me she and her fiancé said to their families when they disclosed that they were eloping because they wanted to save money. They have agreed that I could include it here, should anyone want to nab some inspo from it…

“Although there is a financial element in our decision it is not the sole reason. Neither of us wants to spend that amount of money on one day of our lives. Neither of us particularly enjoys being the centre of attention. Neither of us feels excited by the idea of planning a big wedding. We have made this decision together, and we feel fulfilled by it as our own personal route into marriage. We understand it might not be what you had expected for us. We understand that you might have wanted to experience us getting married in a different way to this. But this what is we have decided for ourselves, and we are thrilled about it. We do not mean to offend anybody or hurt anybody’s feelings. We just want to get married in the way that will make us happiest. We hope you will be able to accept and support our decision, and be happy for us as we begin our life together the way we want to.”

I thought that was pretty rad. I hope it helps anyone who wants to use it as a template.

Another obstacle I want to explore is one I’m going to call…

The Unhelpful Relative(s)

This doesn’t need to be a relative. It could be anyone in you or your partner’s sphere who would be expecting a place at the table on your wedding day. But it is someone who is making the whole thing feel like something you’d rather just not do.

It’s no secret that bringing families together, with all the potential dynamics and histories and resentments and agendas, is very rarely simple. Navigating having your divorced parent in the same room as the person their ex-spouse cheated on them with, for example, is not an exceptionally exciting prospect. Or maybe you have had to estrange yourself from a toxic family member, and you simply don’t want to be made to feel you have to explain or justify why they aren’t invited.

If this is you, and you are considering eloping because there is some complication – whatever it might be – about your guest list that fills you with dread, just take a deep breath, and get ready to become Boundaries Spice.

NEWS FLASH! You don’t even need to give the real reason if you don’t feel comfortable doing so. No one really wants to have to say, “Some of you are just too difficult to wrangle so none of you are coming, soz”. And, to be honest, nor should you frame it like this, unless you want to start more trouble than your wedding would have probably been.

If you do decide to share the reason, you need to be ready for a lot of different people’s projections. People don’t like having a mirror held up if it’s showing them something they don’t want to see. You might find yourself having that thing thrown right back at you in a way that simply isn’t fair, so this person can protect their own narrative.

If you’re worried this might happen, you can just say it’s about money, and if anyone offers you the money, just use that email and go about your day! Or just say no. No is a full sentence.

Whether you disclose the elopement plan with your loved ones ahead of time, or you come back from Vegas and surprise everybody with a ring on your finger, you will likely need to prepare yourself for emotional reactions, hurt feelings, and people not doing the work within themselves to accept that – although this wasn’t what they might have wanted – this was what you wanted.

Someone else’s experience of how you get married has nothing to do with you. Be respectful of people’s feelings. Obviously. Don’t be a Dick Spice about it. But remember that you do not need to put their feelings ahead of your own and wind up in a situation that makes you miserable while you’re getting married.

Elopements can take shape in a host of different ways. You might get all “Regency Scandal” about it and scurry up to Scotland to get hitched at Gretna Green. You might pop over to Santorini for a weekend to capture the perfect sunset wedding shots, followed by dinner-for-two on the beach. Or you might take your two best pals to your local town hall and end up at the pub.

Whatever your plan might look like, I wish you all the very best in clearing any obstacles that might be heading your way. How ever and why-ever you have come to this decision. I applaud you. All the floristry and open bars and seating plans aside, if all you need on your special day is the person you love and a promise you’ll stand by one another until the end of your days, then you are Rock n’ Roll Spice. End of.

About Rachel Darwin

Rachel is a writer and contemporary singing teacher. Her children’s book, The Doll’s House Mouse, won the Bath Children’s Novel Award 2021. You can find her online at racheldarwin.com and on Instagram @rachelbdarwin.

This article originally appeared in issue 55 of Rock n Roll Bride magazine. You can purchase the latest copy here, or why not subscribe to never miss an issue?