There will some people you wouldn’t dream of walking down the aisle without, but with others, it’s not so easy. So, how can you ensure you don’t end up with a ‘plus one’ in your wedding party?

Your best friend since primary school…. the girl you met on your first day at university…. the only coworker you see outside of work. When it comes to choosing bridesmaids, there are some people who will be obvious choices to join your bride squad. If you’re anything like me, you’ll actually have asked them all to be your bridesmaids on a drunken night out years before your fiancé even proposed.

But with others, it can be more difficult. Like basically every other aspect of your wedding, you might feel pressure to do something you don’t really want to do. That’s why so many nearlyweds end up bestowing the title of bridesmaid on the cousin they’ve never actually had a conversation with, or the groom’s sister who still brings up his ex at any opportunity.

Now, it’s your fucking wedding. You know that you should only have your besties by your side, but peer pressure sucks. So, if you’re wondering whether you should ask someone to be a bridesmaid, here are some questions to ask yourself first.

Where will they be in five years?

You might recognise this question as one you always bullshit your way through in job interviews, but it’s an important one when you’re deciding on bridesmaids. So, get your crystal ball out and have a go at gazing into the future.

Five years from now, do you think you’ll still have a close relationship with this person? Or are you in a (platonic) situationship? Think about all the colleagues you poured your heart out to at Christmas parties, only to never hear from them again after you handed your notice in. If you think there’s a good chance that you’re not going to be BFFs for life, leave them out of the wedding party. Otherwise, you could find yourself struggling to remember their name when you’re looking through your wedding photos in 20 years’ time.

Would you take them out for dinner?

Once you’ve handed out your bridesmaid proposal boxes, you’re going to be spending a lot of time with your ‘maids. Shopping for wedding dresses, trying to find an outfit that suits them all, sharing a house (and maybe a bed) at your hen party. 

Let me tell you, all of these experiences are so much more fun if you love each and every person you bring with you! A good test of whether you get on well enough is to ask yourself: would I go for dinner with this person, just the two of us? If the answer is no, think seriously about whether you’re close enough to weather wedding planning together.

Is it fair to ask them?

Being asked to be a bridesmaid is a huge honour – but it can also be a massive responsibility. Before you ask anyone to join your bride tribe, take a moment to consider whether it’s fair to ask them to sign up for all of the extra stress supporting a bride can bring.

Perhaps they work long hours and they don’t have the time to chase hen party deposits. Or maybe they live overseas, and they won’t be able to attend dress fittings or arrange events near you. Being a bridesmaid can be expensive too. Even if you’re buying their dresses, there will be various for them to events to attend and on-the-day costs to consider.

Don’t write these people off immediately, just casually ask them whether they’re up for it before you do any ‘official’ appointing of bridesmaids. This way, you give them a chance to turn the job down if it’s not going to work for them.  

Would you expect to be their bridesmaid?

Let’s say this louder for the people in the back: you don’t have to ask someone to be a bridesmaid because you were their bridesmaid! If you have drifted apart since their big day, or you simply don’t feel as close to them as they might feel to you, it’s ok to just… not ask them. It’s really that easy.

But if you’re struggling to decide whether to include someone in your bridal party who’s not yet married, it might be helpful to consider whether you’d expect to be asked to be their bridesmaid. Do you get excited thinking about getting ready with them for their big day? Then yes, they sound like bridesmaid material. If you wouldn’t be even the slightest bit put out at not being beside them at their future wedding, then maybe you’re just not that close.

Will they be a ‘good’ bridesmaid?

There’s much more to being a bridesmaid than just holding up the bride’s dress in the toilet. Even if you’re the chillest, most low-key bride on the planet, you’re likely going to need more support from your squad than you might think.

That means that some of your friends might not be the best people for the job. Let’s say Sarah’s so scatty she’s constantly double-booking herself – is she the right person to organise your hen party? What about Amy, who always seems to be arguing with someone? Will she play nicely with the rest of your besties? A ‘good’ bridesmaid is reliable, organised, honest and a team player. If a friend doesn’t tick all those boxes, they might add more stress when they should be helping you to stay zen.

So, who’s it going to be?

Once you’re sure of who you want to walk down the aisle ahead of you, you can start planning how you’re going to ask them. Don’t let TikTok make you feel like you have to do a big ‘bridesmaid proposal’ unless you want to. But if you want to? You do you!

Just remember that nobody – and I mean nobody – wants an adult sippy cup engraved with the word ‘Bridesmaid’ and your wedding date. If you’re doing bridesmaid boxes, an old photo of the two of you, a sentimental letter and something edible is sure to go down well. And if you’re not into a big bridesmaid proposal? Here’s a wild suggestion – why not just ask them over a nice meal?

You might also want to pre-empt any awkward conversations with people you don’t ask, but who might be expecting to be a bridesmaid. A great way to do this is to give them another special role in your wedding. Tara’s frank opinions might not be welcome when you’re shopping for dresses, for example, but her confidence might make her an ideal person to do a reading during the ceremony. By giving tasks like doing readings or acting as a witness to those outside your bridal party, you can show that they mean a lot to you even though they’re not a bridesmaid.  

If you still find yourself facing tricky questions from people wondering why they’re not a bridesmaid, have a stock answer ready. Tell them that as much as you love and value them, you want to keep the bridal party small/ you want to have an even number of bridesmaids and groomsmen/ your budget has limited the amount of hair, make-up and dresses you can afford. It might not be easy, but when you’re getting ready on the morning of your wedding with all your favourite people in the world in the room, it’ll be worth it.

About Kerrie

Kerrie is a writer and Type A bride based in Coventry. She’s spent the past few years compiling Pinterest boards and overthinking every aspect of planning her own wedding, and now she’s sharing what she’s learned with her fellow fiancées. Follow her on X @KerrieMalone14

This article originally appeared in issue 53 of Rock n Roll Bride magazine. You can purchase the latest edition here, or why not subscribe to never miss an issue?